Dear Deacon
by Shiny Jewel
Summary: Buried deep in her mother's closet, Maddie discovers some history she never knew existed. July fanfic challenge response.
1. Chapter 1

_This is my multi-chapter response to the July fanfic challenge. _

_Prompt: A story incorporating at least one character other than Deacon or Rayna that plays an important role and includes a message of some sort-e-mail, text message(s), voice mail, letter, etc.-that helps to drive the story forward as well._

**_An extra special thank you to my amazing beta KarenES for her expert eye, suggestions and wonderful feedback._ **

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Maddie wanted some answers, but since none of the adults in her life seemed to want to give them to her at this point in time, she was going to need to take matters into her own hands.

Sure, her snooping was what started this mess in the first place, but now that the truth was out in the open and life had gone somewhat back to normal with her mom home from the hospital and recovering, she was becoming increasingly desperate to know more about the relationship between the two people who created her.

Unfortunately for Maddie though, over the course of her career, her mother had been nothing if not savvy about keeping her private life exactly that: Private.

The only details that Maddie had been able to find out on her own about their love affair, with the help of Google of course, was information that was mostly music related or told her things she already knew. Tidbits like the number of years her mother and Deacon had dated, and mentions of the problems with alcohol and drugs that had led him to rehab several times over the course of their romantic relationship. Even with the media attention from the accident and the definite focus and speculation over why the two of them were in the car together, the articles and reports were repetitive and lacking anything really juicy.

Back when the story of the divorce broke, unbeknownst to anyone, Maddie had managed to smuggle one of the many tabloid magazines that ran a full feature story on it from her Aunt Tandy's house.

This particular piece was very heavily focused on the speculation of a romance between Deacon and her mom during the years of her parents' marriage and had a spread with a timeline of their relationship, complete with pictures of them over the years. She found herself especially fascinated by the ones dating way back to before she was born.

There were snapshots of them looking glamorous on various red carpets, performing in huge arenas, poring over song lyrics on the couch of a music studio and standing together in front of tour buses. They were always in close physical proximity and touching each other in some small way, whether they were holding hands, hugging or posing for the cameras, their bodies pressed tightly together. Smiling. Happy.

The one thing she noticed in almost every picture was the way they looked at each other. She couldn't put her finger on what it was exactly, but she knew she had never seen her mom look at her dad like that.

Maddie wasn't sure what she was searching for, but part of her wanted proof that her mom and Deacon had loved each other. Proof that she wasn't a huge mistake.

She wasn't sure if her mom had purged her closet after the whole mess with the paternity documents but it was worth a try. She'd dig around in there and see if she could find anything.

Still in her school uniform, Maddie removed her loafers from her feet and clutched them in her left hand while quietly turning the knob to her mother's bedroom with her right. She didn't know how long her mom would be napping and soon enough Aunt Tandy would probably come upstairs to check on her, so she had to make this quick.

Maddie entered carefully, silently creeping across the carpet until she got to the foot of the bed.

She peered over the cocoon of blankets and pillows to confirm that Rayna was sleeping, and sure enough, her mother's eyes were tightly shut, body completely still, her breathing even and peaceful. Maddie cringed at the sight of the faded but still-prominent bumps and bruises marring her mother's beautiful face. They were nothing new, nothing she hadn't seen, but she was still taken aback by the sight of them every time.

Seeing her mom so frail, weak and exhausted was a strange and unsettling contrast to the completely in-control and larger-than-life personality she usually walked around with. Since their mom had come home from the hospital earlier in the week, Maddie knew she was trying to put on a brave face for her and Daphne. When Maddie woke up that morning, Rayna was in the kitchen making her famous pancakes for breakfast with their school lunches neatly packed on the counter like everything was business as usual. Maddie wasn't naïve like her little sister though. She saw right through the happy act, especially when she heard the constant quiet crying coming from behind her mom's bedroom at night when she thought everyone was asleep or watched her mother grimace in pain when she tried to do simple things like bend down and pick something up off the floor or open a jar of mayonnaise, both of which would result in her downing pills from an orange bottle that caused her to sleep for hours on end. Her smile was faded and she just seemed so...sad.

The truth was, it all made Maddie feel horribly guilty. These days she alternated between being angry and resentful of the adults in her life and feeling responsible for the horrible turn of events that had taken place. The first time Maddie was allowed to see her mom after the accident she had gingerly embraced her and sobbed, sobbed with the relief that she was going to be okay, mumbling incoherent apologies into her mom's hospital gown. Apologies for everything. For snooping around, for telling Deacon, for making everything into such a completely awful mess.

The sound of Rayna slightly shifting positions in the bed snapped Maddie out of her thoughts. Throwing one more glance at her mother's sleeping form, she crossed the room cautiously and tip-toed into the closet.

Maddie scanned the shelves quickly and spotted a large wicker basket below where she had found the strongbox with the paternity test in it. Being it was in plain sight, she doubted there was anything too scandalous in there but she tugged it off the shelf anyway. She dug through it, disappointed only to find a pile of colorful scarves inside. She was about to put it back when she spotted the top of a large brown leather purse sticking out from behind a few shoe boxes on the same shelf that had been concealed by the basket.

It caught her eye because her mom kept her extensive collection of handbags in a different area in the closet entirely. She pulled it out and unzipped it, finding a large yellow envelope inside marked **_Madeline Jane_** in her mom's neat cursive. Maddie assumed there were just some random baby pictures or mementos in there from her childhood, but when she reached inside she found several smaller envelopes, each marked with a number on the front.

She plucked one out that had a big number four written on it, removed the thin white stationary inside and began to read.

_Dear Deacon-_

_At four years old, most little girls carry around a ratty blanket, a fluffy stuffed animal or a favorite doll. For Maddie, her most comforting and prized possession is in the form of a small acoustic guitar she got as a gift from Watty. She hasn't let go of it since the moment he first handed it to her at her birthday party last week. She insists on bringing it everywhere. It comes with us to the park, is a regular guest at the dinner table and even sits on the sink next to the tub during bath time. When I went into Maddie's room tonight to check on her before bed, I found her passed out cold on top of the covers, holding it tightly to her chest. It reminded me of the way you'd sit up on the couch or in bed with me, half asleep, fingers clumsily strumming your guitar despite my protests to put that thing down and go to bed. You'd groggily mumble with your eyes fluttering closed, "Just one more Ray," and fall asleep with it dangling from your arms._

_Seeing how enamored she is with that thing, how determined she is to learn to play, I have no doubt in my mind that she is going to have all your talent. I wish you could have seen the way her face lit up as she ran her tiny fingers along the strings for the first time._

_In that moment she looked so much like you it took my breath away._

_R_

Her hands shaking, Maddie carefully opened the flap of another one of the envelopes, grateful that her mother hadn't sealed them shut.

_Dear Deacon-_

_Considering who her biological parents are, it's really not too surprising that little Maddie Jane is already stubborn as a mule. She is one year old, and it's something that I have to pinch myself to believe. I often find myself wondering if any of my DNA made it into her because she becomes more overwhelmingly like you every day. She's cautious, but incredibly loving and sweet once you win her trust. Endlessly curious and fiercely independent. Moody one minute and a happy ball of joy the next. I constantly think I've got her figured out, and then she goes and makes a fool out of me in the best possible way._

_They say that children have great natural instincts when it comes to people, and it must be true, because she just adores you, and as it turns out, you're pretty fond of her, too. I was nervous about how you'd feel about her, and how it would be when you met her for the first time, but it turns out _that _I had nothing to worry about. You showed up to that first band practice, eighteen months sober, looking better than ever, and before long, you were reaching for the squirmy baby on my lap. Despite my warnings about Maddie being skittish toward_ _people she hadn't met before, she settled perfectly in your arms, her little chubby hands reaching out to touch the stubble on your face. It was then that I knew I had to make sure that you were a part of her life, if not as her father, as someone important, someone who would be there to watch her grow up._

_When she's really cranky and I'm trying to get her to settle down, sometimes I sing her our songs. It always seems to do the trick._

_R_

Maddie's breath caught in her chest and her throat went dry.

She nervously glanced behind her, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty reading something so personal, something she wasn't sure her mother ever intended anyone to see, let alone her, but she couldn't stop.

Had her mom really written a letter to Deacon for every single year of her life?

Maddie couldn't help but wonder if her mom had written and kept them because deep down she knew she might eventually decide to tell the truth someday and wanted something to prove that she had spent Maddie's entire life internally struggling with her decision.

Maddie knew she shouldn't, but she felt the overwhelming need to read more.

Quickly, and without thinking, Maddie tucked the large envelope containing the letters under her arm, arranged everything just how she had found it in the closet, and made a beeline for her bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

It was only when Maddie reached her room and pushed the door closed behind her that she was able to let out the breath she had been holding.

She climbed onto her bed, still clutching the envelope full of letters, her hands trembling. She tossed it on top of the pink comforter and settled back against her pillows, staring at the thick yellow package as if it were a bomb that could explode at any moment.

The paper of the envelope was worn, noticeably crinkled in the top right hand corner and slightly torn on the bottom left - a casualty of being shoved inside a purse full of secrets for almost a decade and a half. Maddie wondered if her mom had ever sat on the floor of her closet alone, reading and re-reading those letters.

Unsure of what to do next, Maddie reached for the stuffed animal wedged under her pillow, a small white dog with a shiny red ribbon tied neatly around its neck. She pulled it snugly to her chest, resting her chin on top of its soft fluffy head. It was the one Deacon had bought her from the hospital gift shop after she'd gotten hurt at that Juliette Barnes show. She had been sleeping with it every night for the last couple of months.

At her age, Maddie felt a little silly for having such an attachment to a stuffed animal, especially since just a few years ago she had declared herself too grown up for things like that and donated the majority of her large collection to Daphne. After a rocky couple of months at home though, the thoughtful gift had become a comforting, permanent inhabitant of her bed.

"From your Uncle Deacon," her mom had said with a nervous smile as she handed it over in the hallway of the hospital.

Uncle Deacon.

That was what Maddie had known him as her entire life, except now he wasn't.

Maddie knew Deacon as the man who would always sneak her an extra cookie or brownie from the catering table backstage with a wink and a conspiratorial whisper of, "Don't tell your mama." A man who would place his guitar strap around her neck during a recording session break at the studio and show her how to play a D major chord. A man who would humor her little sister by laughing at her bad knock-knock jokes like they were the funniest thing he'd ever heard.

Turns out, he was more than just an honorary uncle and her mom's long-time band leader.

Deacon was her father.

It was such a bizarre thing to learn that the person who had proudly put his name on your birth certificate, who talked about rocking you back to sleep as a baby late into the night, who put band aids on your skinned knees, checked the closet for monsters and enthusiastically coached the soccer team, wasn't really who he said he was all these years.

Well, at least in the biological sense.

It was hard to fathom the fact that her dad had been living a lie since the day she was born. That they all had been, even though two of the most important people in the equation didn't even know it.

Unable to suppress her desire to continue reading the letters any longer, Maddie reached for the package and opened the flap once again, sticking her arm inside and pulling out an envelope with a seven marked on it.

She hesitated for a minute, trying to conjure up a memory of any significant event from that year of her life, and brief flashes of a birthday spent in New York almost immediately came to her. She smiled, remembering how Deacon had carried her on his shoulders through Times Square so she wouldn't get trampled by the crowds, how he took her to Toys R Us and stood around while she picked out her birthday gift from her mom, an American Girl doll named Molly, how he had let her eat a huge vanilla cupcake for dinner.

Maddie anxiously unfolded the paper and shifted her eyes downward to read the words written across it.

_Dear Deacon-_

_We were right in the middle of our tour for Belt Buckle Blues when I looked at the schedule and realized we'd be playing a show in New York City on Maddie's seventh birthday. It was no easy feat, but I somehow convinced Teddy to let her fly out to spend it with me as a special surprise since we had the entire day free, sandwiched in-between_ _two nights of shows, interviews and photo shoots. I had an itinerary full of fun activities that I had painstakingly mapped out, but you know what they say about the best-laid plans. The evening before Maddie arrived, I caught a horrible stomach flu that had been going around the crew, and was so sick I couldn't leave my hotel suite - let alone entertain an energetic seven-year-old._ _I easily could have hired a babysitter, but the thought of Maddie spending her birthday with a stranger was horrible. Anyone on the tour I would have trusted to watch her had already planned for their day off with the exception of the one person I hadn't asked yet: You. Normally I wouldn't have thought twice about asking you to keep an eye on her for me, especially in a dire circumstance like that, but her birthdays are always a particularly tough time for me to be around you. It's so easy to get lost in the day-to-day,_ _to have more moments than not where I'm totally at peace with my decision, with my choices. Moments when I don't have to worry because I know Maddie is safe and taken care of by someone who is rock solid, someone who loves her even though he knows she isn't his own._

_Around her birthday though, my mind usually tends to wander, the pit of my stomach feeling like it's twisted up in knots when I think about how you weren't there to hold her in your arms minutes after she was born, the most perfect little human being I had ever laid eyes on, wrapped tightly in a light pink blanket. That you never got to hear the sound of her cooing quietly or watch her eyes struggle to focus on your face for the first time. Those are thoughts that still break my heart, that get me going with the whole "what if" game, something I just can't afford to let myself do. Too many lives depend on things staying the just_ the _way they are._

_On the other hand, the idea that unforeseen circumstances would lead to you having a rare opportunity to spend Maddie's birthday with her was something that seemed like it was almost meant to be. _

_You stopped by my hotel suite to check on me, a concerned look on your face and bottle of fresh ginger ale in hand. I cautiously raised the topic, prefacing it with the promise that you shouldn't feel obligated to say yes if you were already busy. You waved me off, telling me I was ridiculous, and that there was nothing you'd rather do than make sure Maddie had a wonderful birthday, your voice so genuine it made me want to cry. I thanked you profusely and insisted that you didn't have to do any of the activities I planned, like the zoo or the tea party, but you laughed at me and said that you had no idea _what _to do with a seven-year-old girl on your own so you were probably better off following my guidelines._

_Before setting off on Maddie's birthday adventure, you bought one of those disposable cameras and I still have the pictures you took of her that day for me. Pictures of her feeding a goat at the zoo, blowing bubbles in Central Park, eating a huge ice cream cone. The chance for you two to have that time together was worth every second of the huge fight I got into with Teddy when Maddie returned home and wouldn't stop talking about "the best day of her life."_

_R_

Maddie folded up the stationery and debated for a minute how much further she should take this. The curious side of her wanted to read every last word of every last letter in this envelope, but she had already pushed her luck with more snooping in her mom's closet and it was only a matter of time before her mom woke up or Aunt Tandy or her little sister called her to the dinner table.

She also knew that there might be things in those letters that she probably shouldn't see, that she probably didn't want to see.

One more. She'd read just one more.

Maddie poured the contents of the package onto her bed, riffling through the envelopes until she found one that piqued her interest. It didn't have a number on it, but instead, the date she was born.

_Dear Deacon-_

_Even though I decided early on that the best decision for everyone was to keep this secret from you, I wasn't completely sure if I'd be able to look at our baby and not tell you she was yours. Now that she's here though, in the form of something tangible, something I'm actually able to hold in my arms, ten fingers, ten toes, the softest, sweetest-smelling skin in the world with her mama's long eyelashes and the Claybourne nose, I know this is how it has to be. I'm truly a living breathing contradiction right now, because when I look at this little girl, the little girl we created, my heart is exploding with happiness and shattering into a million pieces at the same time. To me, it was never a question of you loving this child with all you've got because I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would do that. Love was never the issue with you though, was it? Right now your sobriety is one big question mark, and as much as I hope this is it, I can't take that chance. Not now, not when I'm responsible for the life of someone else, someone who can't make her own decisions, someone who never asked to be born into what could be a potentially disastrous situation. The thing I want most for our daughter is for her to experience the stable and loving childhood that neither of us had. When I look at her, even though my heart aches for you, I know I'm making the right choice._

_Thank you for giving me the most amazing gift in the world._

_R_

After reading the final letter, Maddie crept back into her mother's room, a sense of relief and guilt washing over her at the same time.

While she still didn't completely understand or know the specific details of exactly what had happened all those years ago that led her mother to make all the decisions she did, reading the letters had made her realize all that her mom had sacrificed in order to do what was best for her. It was clear that throughout Maddie's life, her mother consistently struggled with that decision, even though it was something she clearly never let on.

At the same time, she felt sad that Deacon never had the chance to be her dad, and that she had missed out on all the years of knowing him that way. She wondered if Deacon even wanted that, and if he felt sad too. She hadn't seen him since that night she had showed up at his house before the CMA's, and had only heard his name mentioned in hushed conversations that would cease every time she walked into the room.

She quietly returned the large envelope and its contents back to its hiding place in the closet, careful to leave no evidence she had ever touched it. After she was done, Maddie walked out of the closet and around to the empty side of her mom's bed, lingering there for a moment before lifting the thick blanket and crawling underneath it.

Rayna shifted as a reaction to the sudden movement, her eyes slowly fluttering open, a lazy grin quickly spreading across her face when she realized Maddie was lying there beside her.

"Hey sweetheart," she said groggily, her voice low and raspy from sleep. Rayna held out her hand and Maddie took it in hers, noticing the faint needle marks from where her IV had been inserted. "You haven't climbed into bed with me since you were little."

"I'm sorry if I woke you up mom," Maddie said quietly.

"I'm glad you did," Rayna responded with a smile, arranging a cluster of pillows up against the headboard and carefully easing herself up into a sitting position. "I missed you. How was school?"

Maddie filled Rayna in on the pop quiz their science teacher had sprung on them this morning and the goal she scored at soccer practice. Then she took a deep breath and asked her mother the simple question that had been weighing heavily on her mind for weeks now.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

Rayna reached out and tucked a strand of Maddie's hair behind her ear. "I'm going to be just fine hon. It's going to take a while for me to be completely back to normal, but I will. I promise. I don't want you to worry about me, okay?"

Maddie nodded slowly, willing to accept that answer for now, but it wasn't the only question she had.

"Mom?" she began hesitantly.

"Yeah hon?"

"Where's Deacon?"

When Rayna didn't answer right away, Maddie kept talking. "I mean...I guess I just wonder why he hasn't wanted to see me. Is it because he's mad at you? Or because he's upset about being my dad?"

There was a long silence and Maddie could tell by the way her mother was looking down that she was trying to hold back tears from falling.

"You know how upset you were when you found out that Deacon was your dad and you didn't know about it?" Rayna finally asked, her voice slightly shaky. "Well, he's still trying to deal with that same feeling, but in no way does that mean he doesn't love you or is upset about being your dad. We're all going to work this out together, and when you and Deacon are both ready, you can decide what kind of relationship you want to have with each other and I will support you in whatever that is."

Maddie nodded in agreement again, desperately wanting to ask the final and most important question she had, but not sure if she should. Rayna, sensing her hesitance, squeezed Maddie's hand and encouraged her to continue.

"What is it honey? Is there something else you wanted to talk about?"

Maddie shook her head yes, pausing for a minute before finally spitting it out.

"Did you love each other when you got pregnant with me?" she practically whispered.

Rayna looked at Maddie, a combination of equal parts love and pain reflected in her eyes, the question clearly more than she could emotionally handle. She pulled Maddie into her arms and held her tightly for a long moment, the tears finally dripping down her cheeks and spilling onto Maddie's hair, dampening the dark brown strands.

"Yes," Rayna said softly, as she wiped her eyes and pulled back to look at her daughter once again. "We did, Maddie. So much."

**THE END**

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**A/N: First and foremost, thank you so much for all the nice comments and feedback. Each and every one is appreciated and is definitely a big motivator to keep on writing :)**

**A huge thank you again to the lovely KarenES for the beta-read and her always wonderful suggestions!**

**If anyone is interested in participating in the August challenge, please PM me, KarenES or MoonlightGardenias and we'll give you all the the prompts/rules. It's going to be a fun one!**


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